I started my life as an unwanted pregnancy. My Dad wanted me aborted, Mum wouldn't do it. Much strife ensued. Dad was a lovely man, I just never really felt like he wanted me - probably because of his own terrible inner struggles. Years later, just before my 13th birthday, my Dad committed suicide. The words, 'Not wanted. Not Worth It', seemed to be stamped on my DNA.
I tried to blank out this feeling with alcohol, drugs, attractiveness to women and by striving to excel at everything, but I always eventually felt empty again.
Then I watched my girlfriend get transformed by Jesus Christ. And she introduced me to Him.
He forgave my mess and adopted me with unconditional love. Don't let anyone tell you that this is not experiential. I felt different.
I'm still a work in progress but I largely have peace at the centre of my being now, knowing that He will never forsake me. He has just about completely massaged out the 'Nots', from 'Not wanted. Not Worth It'.
That girl and I have been married 30 years today. We are both so ordinary and full of faults. I am so utterly grateful for the grace of Jesus that made us His friends. I am also deeply grateful to Nola for her love, patience, motherhood and down to earth godliness which makes me feel like a spiritual pygmy at times. I am grateful to have three children that love me as their Dad with all my faults and inadequacies. They are also friends of Jesus. What a blessed life in the midst of the ordinary toil and stress of the mundane.
You might also want to engage with Jesus. Tell Him you're sorry for ignoring Him and offending Him with your sin. Ask Him to forgive you through His blood shed on the cross. Ask Him to take up residence in you by His Holy Spirit.
Reading John's gospel in the Bible is a good place to start engaging with His truth.
Finding a life-giving church that loves Jesus is vital. Christianity on your own is very, very difficult and is not Jesus' way unless you are persecuted and unable to connect with other Christians.
Write to me if you would like.